1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:04,837 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,838 --> 00:00:08,174 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:08,175 --> 00:00:11,928 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,929 --> 00:00:14,472 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,473 --> 00:00:18,351 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:21,604 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:23,189 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:25,024 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:30,155 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:34,993 --> 00:00:37,078 We got the house, guys! 11 00:00:37,079 --> 00:00:39,121 Your iPad flashlight is on. 12 00:00:39,122 --> 00:00:40,331 God, she's old. 13 00:00:40,332 --> 00:00:41,958 What house, Mom? 14 00:00:41,959 --> 00:00:43,209 The Airbnb in Nantucket 15 00:00:43,210 --> 00:00:44,961 we wanted for the Fourth of July. 16 00:00:44,962 --> 00:00:47,004 There was a cancellation, so I swooped right in 17 00:00:47,005 --> 00:00:50,049 and scooped it up. The Pelican strikes again. 18 00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:52,552 - "The Pelican"? - Yeah. Some people call me that 19 00:00:52,553 --> 00:00:54,387 'cause I swoop and scoop. 20 00:00:54,388 --> 00:00:56,097 - Who calls you that? - Some people. 21 00:00:56,098 --> 00:00:57,682 - Who? - It's really catching on. 22 00:00:57,683 --> 00:00:58,724 From who? 23 00:00:58,725 --> 00:01:00,184 Look, everybody just pack your bags 24 00:01:00,185 --> 00:01:01,894 because we leave tomorrow. 25 00:01:01,895 --> 00:01:04,355 I thought you said July 4th? It's October. 26 00:01:04,356 --> 00:01:06,357 Yeah, but we always celebrate our holidays 27 00:01:06,358 --> 00:01:07,984 off-peak to save money. 28 00:01:07,985 --> 00:01:10,236 I don't know, this feels forced. 29 00:01:10,237 --> 00:01:12,655 Oh, come on, you kids are all getting older. 30 00:01:12,656 --> 00:01:16,367 We are running out of time to do stuff together as a family. 31 00:01:16,368 --> 00:01:18,619 Plus this is our first Airbnb. 32 00:01:18,620 --> 00:01:20,871 That's a huge mom milestone. 33 00:01:20,872 --> 00:01:23,874 You know, I heard that every time someone says "Airbnb," 34 00:01:23,875 --> 00:01:27,337 a white woman can hear it from five miles away. 35 00:01:28,380 --> 00:01:31,382 Mm, sounds like the Pelican got her Airbnb. 36 00:01:31,383 --> 00:01:32,967 Who?! 37 00:01:49,443 --> 00:01:51,110 I've never been to Nantucket. 38 00:01:51,111 --> 00:01:52,111 It's pretty nice. 39 00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:53,613 Yeah, I like that everyone arriving gets 40 00:01:53,614 --> 00:01:56,450 a personal serenade from James Taylor. 41 00:01:57,409 --> 00:02:01,705 ♪ Oh, I've seen Chris and I've seen Meg ♪ 42 00:02:03,498 --> 00:02:05,374 ♪ I've seen burger wrappers ♪ 43 00:02:05,375 --> 00:02:08,628 ♪ Crumpled by their legs. ♪ 44 00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:10,588 You know, I heard his backstage rider 45 00:02:10,589 --> 00:02:13,842 is just a single carton of oat milk. 46 00:02:25,020 --> 00:02:26,854 This place is pretty tight, Mom. 47 00:02:26,855 --> 00:02:29,190 I know. Look at the sign in the kitchen. 48 00:02:29,191 --> 00:02:31,317 "But first, coffee." 49 00:02:31,318 --> 00:02:34,362 Yeah. Yeah, that first! 50 00:02:34,363 --> 00:02:36,822 - That makes no sense. - In what way? 51 00:02:36,823 --> 00:02:38,282 We don't know what the choices are, 52 00:02:38,283 --> 00:02:41,577 so how can we definitively say, "But first, coffee"? 53 00:02:41,578 --> 00:02:43,454 But that's the point. It doesn't matter. 54 00:02:43,455 --> 00:02:45,373 Whatever it is, "First, coffee." 55 00:02:45,374 --> 00:02:47,917 Hey, what if our kid's having a heart attack, God forbid? 56 00:02:47,918 --> 00:02:50,086 - Oh, well, I... - Still "But first, coffee"? 57 00:02:50,087 --> 00:02:52,505 - Well, I don't think... - What if a 9/11 hops 58 00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:54,298 through the window with a dynamite vest? 59 00:02:54,299 --> 00:02:55,758 Are we free to scatter? 60 00:02:55,759 --> 00:02:58,969 Or must we face the blast, mug in hand? 61 00:02:58,970 --> 00:03:02,057 I just thought it was a fun sign is all. 62 00:03:05,268 --> 00:03:06,811 Oh, look at them. 63 00:03:06,812 --> 00:03:08,562 When was the last time you saw the kids 64 00:03:08,563 --> 00:03:10,106 play together like this, huh? 65 00:03:10,107 --> 00:03:12,900 No clue, I do most of my parenting with my eyes closed. 66 00:03:12,901 --> 00:03:14,276 You know, it's this house. 67 00:03:14,277 --> 00:03:16,445 Sometimes all a family needs 68 00:03:16,446 --> 00:03:18,864 is a change of scenery to strengthen their bond. 69 00:03:18,865 --> 00:03:21,033 - Yeah, that or a threesome, yeah. - Oh. 70 00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:23,244 You can't even make it through a twosome or a one some. 71 00:03:23,245 --> 00:03:26,288 You are very close to being a sit-in-a-chair-and-watch guy. 72 00:03:26,289 --> 00:03:28,958 My cardiologist said the same thing. 73 00:03:32,629 --> 00:03:34,588 Okay, guys, everyone pick out 74 00:03:34,589 --> 00:03:36,799 one souvenir from the trip. 75 00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:39,552 - Is a seagull a...? - A seagull is not a souvenir. 76 00:03:39,553 --> 00:03:41,262 - What about...? - No birds! 77 00:03:41,263 --> 00:03:43,597 The stores here in the off-season are kind of sad. 78 00:03:43,598 --> 00:03:45,099 Most of them are empty. 79 00:03:45,100 --> 00:03:47,643 Yeah, but I do like that James Taylor sings a personal serenade 80 00:03:47,644 --> 00:03:50,187 every time one closes for the season. 81 00:03:50,188 --> 00:03:53,357 ♪ A sign goes up as the sun goes down ♪ 82 00:03:53,358 --> 00:03:56,444 ♪ Another year in the books ♪ 83 00:03:56,445 --> 00:03:59,238 ♪ She put the fun in funnel cakes ♪ 84 00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:02,700 ♪ Or at least that's what I see on that board. ♪ 85 00:04:02,701 --> 00:04:05,619 Ah, sweet edgeless rock and roll. 86 00:04:05,620 --> 00:04:07,705 You could shave a baby's head with it. 87 00:04:07,706 --> 00:04:10,291 Brian, what is that? 88 00:04:10,292 --> 00:04:11,667 That's saltwater taffy. 89 00:04:11,668 --> 00:04:13,085 What, have you never tried it before? 90 00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:14,628 I have four teeth. 91 00:04:14,629 --> 00:04:16,630 If it's not applesauce, I'm unfamiliar. 92 00:04:16,631 --> 00:04:19,633 Taffy is, like, the official candy of vacations. 93 00:04:19,634 --> 00:04:21,343 They have free samples. We should take some. 94 00:04:21,344 --> 00:04:23,345 Yes, free samples is my favorite way 95 00:04:23,346 --> 00:04:25,098 to slowly sink a business. 96 00:04:35,692 --> 00:04:38,778 Wow. This is incredible. 97 00:04:38,779 --> 00:04:41,489 It tastes like a memory of a life well-lived. 98 00:04:41,490 --> 00:04:44,700 Mmm, yeah, that and, like, a little bit of mint. 99 00:04:44,701 --> 00:04:46,285 You know, it's the end of the season, 100 00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:47,870 so all that taffy is on sale. 101 00:04:47,871 --> 00:04:50,164 If we buy it in bulk and bring it back to Quahog, 102 00:04:50,165 --> 00:04:51,707 we'd make a killing. 103 00:04:51,708 --> 00:04:53,167 That's a great idea. 104 00:04:53,168 --> 00:04:54,335 We are gonna make more money 105 00:04:54,336 --> 00:04:56,128 than Cryptocurrency Carl. 106 00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:57,588 I'll take it under one condition. 107 00:04:57,589 --> 00:04:59,882 You make everything matte black. 108 00:04:59,883 --> 00:05:02,593 - Okay. - Matte black the world, baby. 109 00:05:02,594 --> 00:05:04,720 Now let me just check my portfolio. 110 00:05:04,721 --> 00:05:07,014 Yes! No. Yes! 111 00:05:07,015 --> 00:05:09,935 No. Yes! No! 112 00:05:12,437 --> 00:05:15,523 Oh, I feel so recharged after that trip. 113 00:05:15,524 --> 00:05:17,233 A total recharge weekend. 114 00:05:17,234 --> 00:05:18,776 Don't you feel recharged, Peter? 115 00:05:18,777 --> 00:05:20,736 If by "recharged" you mean the slight change 116 00:05:20,737 --> 00:05:22,738 of routine short-circuited my colon 117 00:05:22,739 --> 00:05:25,449 so I can only poop at 3:00 a. m., then yes. 118 00:05:25,450 --> 00:05:26,909 I feel extremely recharged. 119 00:05:26,910 --> 00:05:29,078 You know what? We had such a great time, 120 00:05:29,079 --> 00:05:31,915 I-I'm just gonna book another visit to that house. 121 00:05:35,085 --> 00:05:36,961 Huh, that's weird. 122 00:05:36,962 --> 00:05:38,964 I-I can't book it. 123 00:05:39,756 --> 00:05:40,923 What the hell? 124 00:05:40,924 --> 00:05:43,717 The owner of the house gave us a zero-star review. 125 00:05:43,718 --> 00:05:46,388 She-she said we stole something. 126 00:05:47,722 --> 00:05:50,141 I'm banned from Airbnb? 127 00:05:51,226 --> 00:05:54,938 - Ooh. Tough break for the Pelican. - Who?! 128 00:05:59,943 --> 00:06:01,902 Okay, which one of you little rats 129 00:06:01,903 --> 00:06:03,863 stole something from that house? 130 00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:05,865 And don't lie to me. I'm your mother. 131 00:06:05,866 --> 00:06:07,867 I can feel your lies in my ovaries. 132 00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:09,451 The doctor said those were cysts. 133 00:06:09,452 --> 00:06:10,953 From your lies! 134 00:06:10,954 --> 00:06:12,413 They're not gonna talk, Lois. 135 00:06:12,414 --> 00:06:14,456 I say we hook 'em up to the lie detector. 136 00:06:14,457 --> 00:06:15,958 Peter, that's not a lie detector. 137 00:06:15,959 --> 00:06:17,668 That's a ride-on sex machine. 138 00:06:17,669 --> 00:06:20,296 It is? Well, it got me to sing like a bird. 139 00:06:20,297 --> 00:06:22,172 Stop rolling it into rooms! 140 00:06:22,173 --> 00:06:24,800 Mom, we didn't take anything from the house. 141 00:06:24,801 --> 00:06:26,468 Did the owner say what was stolen? 142 00:06:26,469 --> 00:06:28,178 Maybe it was just a misunderstanding. 143 00:06:28,179 --> 00:06:29,513 You know, you're probably right. 144 00:06:29,514 --> 00:06:31,974 I'll contact the owner and clear it up. 145 00:06:31,975 --> 00:06:34,894 Oh, yeah, I think this is all gonna work itself out. 146 00:06:34,895 --> 00:06:36,729 Chris, can you grab that wand next to you 147 00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:38,899 and crank the speed up to "hummingbird"? 148 00:06:44,070 --> 00:06:47,323 "Hi, Dottie. It's Lois from this weekend. 149 00:06:47,324 --> 00:06:49,783 Had such a great time with my family." 150 00:06:49,784 --> 00:06:51,243 Three exclamations, 151 00:06:51,244 --> 00:06:52,912 three smiley faces. 152 00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:54,830 "Thank you again for hosting." 153 00:06:54,831 --> 00:06:56,832 Prayer hands emoji. 154 00:06:56,833 --> 00:06:59,001 Your flashlight's still on, you old bitch. 155 00:06:59,002 --> 00:07:02,546 "I just wanted to reach out about the review you left. 156 00:07:02,547 --> 00:07:04,548 You said we stole something." 157 00:07:04,549 --> 00:07:06,008 Shocked emoji. 158 00:07:06,009 --> 00:07:08,302 "I think there was a mistake, LOL. 159 00:07:08,303 --> 00:07:11,639 I talked to my family, and no one took anything." 160 00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:13,599 Shoulder shrug emoji. 161 00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:16,352 "Anyway, would love to help clear this up. 162 00:07:16,353 --> 00:07:18,312 Best, Lois Griffin." 163 00:07:18,313 --> 00:07:21,523 Three heart emojis and an accidental letter "M" 164 00:07:21,524 --> 00:07:23,068 when I hit send. 165 00:07:31,576 --> 00:07:33,452 A bottle of shampoo? 166 00:07:34,871 --> 00:07:36,622 Ah, I smell like one of those 167 00:07:36,623 --> 00:07:39,375 farmers market candles I never buy. 168 00:07:39,376 --> 00:07:40,584 Oh. 169 00:07:40,585 --> 00:07:42,044 That. 170 00:07:42,045 --> 00:07:44,004 Forgot to grab one for Chris, 171 00:07:44,005 --> 00:07:46,800 you absolute ancient hag. 172 00:07:49,803 --> 00:07:51,804 All right, Brian, if we're going to go door-to-door 173 00:07:51,805 --> 00:07:54,223 and sell all this, we need a game plan. 174 00:07:54,224 --> 00:07:55,432 So let's practice. 175 00:07:55,433 --> 00:07:57,351 You and I walk up to a client's house. 176 00:07:57,352 --> 00:07:59,561 Walking, walking, walking. 177 00:07:59,562 --> 00:08:02,856 We're walking, walking, walking. 178 00:08:02,857 --> 00:08:03,983 Oh. 179 00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:06,235 Up the steps and we knock on the door. 180 00:08:06,236 --> 00:08:08,237 Knock-knock. Nothing. 181 00:08:08,238 --> 00:08:10,823 Nothing... then they answer. Freeze! 182 00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:13,409 Now what do we tell the client we're selling? 183 00:08:13,410 --> 00:08:14,451 - Taffy. - Wrong. 184 00:08:14,452 --> 00:08:16,078 The first thing every salesman needs 185 00:08:16,079 --> 00:08:18,747 to sell is himself. Write it down. 186 00:08:18,748 --> 00:08:19,957 I didn't bring a pen or paper. 187 00:08:19,958 --> 00:08:21,750 All right, after we sell ourselves, 188 00:08:21,751 --> 00:08:23,085 what do we tell the client we're selling? 189 00:08:23,086 --> 00:08:24,211 - Taffy? - Wrong! 190 00:08:24,212 --> 00:08:26,046 Never tell the client what you're selling. 191 00:08:26,047 --> 00:08:27,798 The second you tell them what we're selling, 192 00:08:27,799 --> 00:08:29,258 - they'll know what we're selling. - Right. 193 00:08:29,259 --> 00:08:31,093 - Wrong! - Yeah, I might need a pen and paper. 194 00:08:31,094 --> 00:08:34,471 The second thing a salesman needs to sell is an emotion. 195 00:08:34,472 --> 00:08:36,807 All right, let's just skip ahead. I'll be the client. Okay. 196 00:08:36,808 --> 00:08:38,934 You've sold yourself... barely. 197 00:08:38,935 --> 00:08:41,145 You've sold an emotion: nostalgia. 198 00:08:41,146 --> 00:08:42,813 - Now what are you selling? - Taf... 199 00:08:42,814 --> 00:08:45,149 Don't you dare come to my house and tell me what you're selling. 200 00:08:45,150 --> 00:08:46,817 Yeah, I'm having a hard time tracking this. 201 00:08:46,818 --> 00:08:48,318 Oh, you're having a hard time? 202 00:08:48,319 --> 00:08:50,320 Do you see what I'm doing here? Do you see my hand? 203 00:08:50,321 --> 00:08:51,989 This gesture says that I'm in 204 00:08:51,990 --> 00:08:55,075 a domestic abuse situation and you're doing nothing. 205 00:08:55,076 --> 00:08:57,494 You're just standing there not even telling me what you're selling. 206 00:08:57,495 --> 00:08:58,913 - Taffy! - Wrong! 207 00:09:02,459 --> 00:09:04,084 So, Mom, did you ever find out 208 00:09:04,085 --> 00:09:06,670 what was stolen from that Nantucket house? 209 00:09:06,671 --> 00:09:09,089 - I did. Funny story. - Never is. 210 00:09:09,090 --> 00:09:12,217 It was a bottle of shampoo I must have packed in my bag. 211 00:09:12,218 --> 00:09:14,303 Oh, no way. 212 00:09:14,304 --> 00:09:16,472 You did it? 213 00:09:16,473 --> 00:09:18,766 How does your fat foot taste, Mom? 214 00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:21,643 Apparently taking the rest of a tiny bottle of shampoo 215 00:09:21,644 --> 00:09:24,271 is considered stealing nowadays. 216 00:09:24,272 --> 00:09:26,315 Answer the question about the foot. 217 00:09:26,316 --> 00:09:28,484 - How big was the bottle? - Ah, it was small. 218 00:09:28,485 --> 00:09:30,110 I thought you said it was "tiny." 219 00:09:30,111 --> 00:09:31,945 Would it pass through airport security? 220 00:09:31,946 --> 00:09:34,114 - That's the threshold. - It was very little. 221 00:09:34,115 --> 00:09:35,532 Oh, now it's "little." 222 00:09:35,533 --> 00:09:37,576 You're all over the place. 223 00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:38,786 May we see the bottle? 224 00:09:38,787 --> 00:09:40,245 I would love to show you the bottle. 225 00:09:40,246 --> 00:09:42,499 Then you'll see how ridiculous this is. 226 00:09:43,792 --> 00:09:46,335 Okay, so this dinner's not one of her best efforts, right? 227 00:09:46,336 --> 00:09:47,628 - Big whiff. - I agree. 228 00:09:47,629 --> 00:09:49,339 Okay, let's pile that on, too. 229 00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:52,341 Yo! 230 00:09:52,342 --> 00:09:54,218 That's borderline huge, Mom. 231 00:09:54,219 --> 00:09:56,011 The size is misleading. 232 00:09:56,012 --> 00:09:58,013 There was barely any liquid left in it. 233 00:09:58,014 --> 00:09:59,681 It was sputtering to a finish. 234 00:09:59,682 --> 00:10:02,351 It made an audible thud when you put it down. 235 00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:04,019 I hated tonight's chicken. 236 00:10:04,020 --> 00:10:05,729 I am not wrong here, okay? 237 00:10:05,730 --> 00:10:07,689 We paid a lot of money for that house, 238 00:10:07,690 --> 00:10:09,608 and taking the ass-end of a shampoo bottle 239 00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:11,610 barely makes a dent into their haul. 240 00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:14,822 There, definitive proof that your mother always describes 241 00:10:14,823 --> 00:10:17,117 big things as being smaller than they are. 242 00:10:17,909 --> 00:10:19,243 Did you hear that, Chris? 243 00:10:19,244 --> 00:10:20,911 We've all seen it, Dad. 244 00:10:20,912 --> 00:10:22,205 Aw. 245 00:10:27,293 --> 00:10:29,002 Good afternoon, Mr. Quagmire. 246 00:10:29,003 --> 00:10:31,380 Oh, salesmen. Look, I'm gonna be straight with you. 247 00:10:31,381 --> 00:10:34,299 You see this coin purse? It contains $87, 248 00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:36,093 which is what I allow myself to spend 249 00:10:36,094 --> 00:10:37,886 on superfluous purchases every week. 250 00:10:37,887 --> 00:10:39,680 It is currently open. 251 00:10:39,681 --> 00:10:41,140 Just like my ears. 252 00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:43,976 If you wow me with your pitch, the money is yours. 253 00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:45,769 If it closes, you have lost the sale. 254 00:10:45,770 --> 00:10:46,812 Now let's hear it. 255 00:10:46,813 --> 00:10:48,398 So... 256 00:10:50,733 --> 00:10:53,527 As you can see, we have all the classic flavors. 257 00:10:53,528 --> 00:10:55,654 It's like a vacation in a box. 258 00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:58,490 All the fun of the beach without that pesky commute. 259 00:10:58,491 --> 00:11:00,325 I don't know. I only like taffy 260 00:11:00,326 --> 00:11:02,536 when it's got cute, little jokes in 'em. 261 00:11:02,537 --> 00:11:05,122 Something to laugh at while you're doing all that chewing. 262 00:11:05,123 --> 00:11:06,832 Who doesn't love laughing? 263 00:11:06,833 --> 00:11:09,626 That's why our taffy comes with jokes, too. 264 00:11:09,627 --> 00:11:12,254 - It does? - This is Brian's personal phone number. 265 00:11:12,255 --> 00:11:14,214 Every time you eat a taffy, 266 00:11:14,215 --> 00:11:16,300 call that number and he'll tell you a joke. 267 00:11:21,097 --> 00:11:22,681 Hello. 268 00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:25,142 Hi, I'm eating my taffy. 269 00:11:25,143 --> 00:11:26,768 Oh, what time is it? 270 00:11:26,769 --> 00:11:28,896 Very late. I work nights. 271 00:11:28,897 --> 00:11:31,940 And I like to have a treat while I watch my infomercials. 272 00:11:31,941 --> 00:11:33,400 Joke, please. 273 00:11:33,401 --> 00:11:35,402 Oh, okay, um, uh... 274 00:11:35,403 --> 00:11:37,821 what, uh... why-why did the... 275 00:11:37,822 --> 00:11:39,990 house go to the doctor? 276 00:11:39,991 --> 00:11:41,992 Because it had window panes. 277 00:11:41,993 --> 00:11:44,995 Oh, that's good. 278 00:11:44,996 --> 00:11:46,496 I'm-a call you again in ten minutes 279 00:11:46,497 --> 00:11:48,333 when I have another piece. 280 00:11:51,336 --> 00:11:54,047 - Yup. - I swallowed quicker than I thought. 281 00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:01,386 Do you know how awful it feels to be labeled a thief 282 00:12:01,387 --> 00:12:04,097 for something as silly as a small bottle of shampoo? 283 00:12:04,098 --> 00:12:06,475 Yeah. 284 00:12:06,476 --> 00:12:08,685 I heard the bottle wasn't that small. 285 00:12:08,686 --> 00:12:10,771 What? Where did you hear that? 286 00:12:10,772 --> 00:12:13,398 Joe and I have eerily quiet dinners. 287 00:12:13,399 --> 00:12:15,943 We can hear all your family's conversation. 288 00:12:15,944 --> 00:12:18,403 Mm-hmm, okay. 289 00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:21,616 You know, I'm gonna get a knife for this cheese. 290 00:12:23,534 --> 00:12:26,119 Oh, let me get that for you. 291 00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:28,038 They're my grandmother's knives, 292 00:12:28,039 --> 00:12:30,832 so I'm gonna need you to sign out which one you use. 293 00:12:30,833 --> 00:12:32,125 Okay, that's enough. 294 00:12:32,126 --> 00:12:34,127 I see what's happening here. 295 00:12:34,128 --> 00:12:35,379 You think I'm a thief. 296 00:12:35,380 --> 00:12:37,547 I can't believe you're not on my side. 297 00:12:37,548 --> 00:12:39,258 I heard the bottle had a pump. 298 00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:41,677 A pump? Who else are you talking to about this? 299 00:12:41,678 --> 00:12:44,805 I'm on a couple of text chains discussing it. 300 00:12:44,806 --> 00:12:46,765 Oh, God! 301 00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:48,308 Okay, I got to fix this. 302 00:12:48,309 --> 00:12:50,644 I am bringing that shampoo back to Nantucket. 303 00:12:50,645 --> 00:12:52,438 It's the only way. 304 00:12:53,523 --> 00:12:54,857 Pockets. 305 00:12:59,112 --> 00:13:01,154 Did you come in with this ChapStick? 306 00:13:01,155 --> 00:13:02,239 Yes. 307 00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:04,325 I'll, uh, check the tape. 308 00:13:12,333 --> 00:13:14,960 Oh, thanks for agreeing to meet me here, Dottie. 309 00:13:14,961 --> 00:13:17,045 Of course, Bell over the Door Café 310 00:13:17,046 --> 00:13:18,922 has the best coffee on the island. 311 00:13:20,425 --> 00:13:22,050 You know, I wanted to clear the air with you 312 00:13:22,051 --> 00:13:23,468 about that bottle of shampoo. 313 00:13:23,469 --> 00:13:26,930 It turns out we did take it by mistake. 314 00:13:26,931 --> 00:13:28,390 I-I feel terrible, 315 00:13:28,391 --> 00:13:31,685 so I wanted to return it to you personally. 316 00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:34,896 That's so nice. 317 00:13:34,897 --> 00:13:36,982 You didn't have to drive all this way. 318 00:13:36,983 --> 00:13:38,608 I mean, you could have just put it in the mail. 319 00:13:38,609 --> 00:13:41,278 Oh, no, the mail is so impersonal. 320 00:13:41,279 --> 00:13:43,572 It was important I did this in person. 321 00:13:43,573 --> 00:13:45,657 Well, thank you again. 322 00:13:47,201 --> 00:13:49,328 So, now that this is settled, 323 00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:52,289 I was thinking maybe you could change your review. 324 00:13:52,290 --> 00:13:54,541 Oh. I'm sorry, no. 325 00:13:54,542 --> 00:13:55,667 I can't do that. 326 00:13:55,668 --> 00:13:57,627 Oh, but... 327 00:13:57,628 --> 00:13:59,379 but I returned the bottle. 328 00:13:59,380 --> 00:14:02,299 Lois, I write the reviews of my guests 329 00:14:02,300 --> 00:14:05,177 based on their behavior while they're in my home. 330 00:14:05,178 --> 00:14:07,804 And you stole the shampoo. 331 00:14:07,805 --> 00:14:10,140 And you only brought it back because you got caught. 332 00:14:10,141 --> 00:14:12,184 So if anything, you're proving what I wrote 333 00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:13,895 about you was correct. 334 00:14:16,314 --> 00:14:18,482 Dottie. Dot. 335 00:14:18,483 --> 00:14:19,608 D. 336 00:14:19,609 --> 00:14:21,568 Look, I am on my back here. 337 00:14:21,569 --> 00:14:23,320 My legs are in the stirrups, 338 00:14:23,321 --> 00:14:24,821 forceps have been utilized, 339 00:14:24,822 --> 00:14:26,698 there was some sort of suction, and still 340 00:14:26,699 --> 00:14:28,992 - that's not enough? - I'm not changing it. 341 00:14:28,993 --> 00:14:31,119 Can we turn that bell off?! 342 00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:33,330 That bell was the only item recovered 343 00:14:33,331 --> 00:14:35,582 from a shipwreck that devastated our island. 344 00:14:35,583 --> 00:14:37,709 Entire families were torn apart, and... 345 00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:39,711 Why am I telling you? 346 00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:41,839 James Taylor wrote a whole song about it. 347 00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:47,010 ♪ 94 souls set out on that day ♪ 348 00:14:47,011 --> 00:14:49,846 ♪ And only a bell came back ♪ 349 00:14:49,847 --> 00:14:54,059 ♪ And it sings ding-a-ding, ding-a-ring-a-ding-ding ♪ 350 00:14:54,060 --> 00:14:56,144 ♪ Ding-a-ring-a-ding-ding... ♪ 351 00:14:56,145 --> 00:14:57,687 Shut up, James Taylor! 352 00:14:57,688 --> 00:14:59,231 Things can happen in New England 353 00:14:59,232 --> 00:15:00,816 without you needing to sing about it. 354 00:15:01,984 --> 00:15:03,360 I think you should leave. 355 00:15:03,361 --> 00:15:05,195 Okay. You win, Dottie. 356 00:15:05,196 --> 00:15:06,571 You got your shampoo back 357 00:15:06,572 --> 00:15:08,407 and you officially got me canceled. 358 00:15:08,408 --> 00:15:10,200 This isn't being canceled. 359 00:15:10,201 --> 00:15:12,202 - I think it is. - It's not! 360 00:15:12,203 --> 00:15:13,412 Shut up, James Taylor! 361 00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:15,080 You don't scare me, lady. 362 00:15:15,081 --> 00:15:17,125 I was married to Carly Simon. 363 00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:24,965 You stole the shampoo, Lois. 364 00:15:26,217 --> 00:15:29,052 I'm not changing the review. 365 00:15:29,053 --> 00:15:31,054 I heard it had a pump. 366 00:15:31,055 --> 00:15:34,057 ♪ Ring-ring-a-ding-ding. ♪ 367 00:15:34,058 --> 00:15:36,435 No! I can't let her win. 368 00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:37,686 Stop the ferry! 369 00:15:37,687 --> 00:15:39,188 We haven't left yet, ma'am. 370 00:15:50,825 --> 00:15:53,326 What's your weakness, Dottie? 371 00:15:53,327 --> 00:15:55,537 I am gonna find it. 372 00:15:57,165 --> 00:16:00,000 Oh, God, Lois, no more chowder for you. 373 00:16:05,423 --> 00:16:07,299 Oh! 374 00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:09,342 DoorDash. That's it! 375 00:16:09,343 --> 00:16:12,262 Okay, time to do a choppy FaceTime with the kids. 376 00:16:12,263 --> 00:16:14,890 Hey, Lois. When are you coming home? 377 00:16:14,891 --> 00:16:16,558 Stewie ...ooped ...tub. 378 00:16:16,559 --> 00:16:18,018 Stewie what? 379 00:16:18,019 --> 00:16:20,729 ...ooped ...ub! I... with an oven mitt! 380 00:16:20,730 --> 00:16:22,147 What with an oven mitt? 381 00:16:22,148 --> 00:16:23,440 - What? - Hi, Mom. 382 00:16:23,441 --> 00:16:25,775 - ...ooped ...ub! - Who? 383 00:16:25,776 --> 00:16:27,611 Everybody ...ooped... the tub... 384 00:16:27,612 --> 00:16:30,072 more ...oop than water. Come home! 385 00:16:31,157 --> 00:16:33,158 ♪ Ding, ding-a-ring, ring-a-ring-a ♪ 386 00:16:33,159 --> 00:16:35,702 ♪ Ding-ding, ring-a-ding, ding-a-ring ♪ 387 00:16:35,703 --> 00:16:37,579 ♪ Ding-ding ♪ 388 00:16:37,580 --> 00:16:40,332 ♪ Ring-a-ding, ding-a-ring, ring-a-ring-a ♪ 389 00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:43,585 ♪ Ding-ding, ring-a-ring-a- ding-ding, ding-ding. ♪ 390 00:16:57,850 --> 00:16:59,351 This is terrible, Brian. 391 00:16:59,352 --> 00:17:00,810 We've barely sold any boxes. 392 00:17:00,811 --> 00:17:02,437 Nobody likes taffy. 393 00:17:02,438 --> 00:17:04,814 Yeah, I guess without the salt air and ocean views, 394 00:17:04,815 --> 00:17:06,441 it's just subpar gum. 395 00:17:06,442 --> 00:17:09,444 What are we gonna do? We sunk a lot of money into this. 396 00:17:09,445 --> 00:17:11,112 We need to pivot. 397 00:17:11,113 --> 00:17:12,614 It's not selling as candy, 398 00:17:12,615 --> 00:17:14,658 so we need to repackage it as something 399 00:17:14,659 --> 00:17:16,243 people actually want. 400 00:17:16,244 --> 00:17:17,327 Let's brainstorm. 401 00:17:17,328 --> 00:17:19,163 Okay. Hmm. 402 00:17:20,289 --> 00:17:23,166 You know, I'm-I'm really not liking your brainstorming face. 403 00:17:23,167 --> 00:17:25,335 Very unlikable eyebrow movement. 404 00:17:25,336 --> 00:17:26,711 Shh! I got it, I got it. 405 00:17:26,712 --> 00:17:29,506 Colored layered sand in bottles. 406 00:17:29,507 --> 00:17:31,841 That's a whole different bad idea. 407 00:17:31,842 --> 00:17:34,636 Okay, what about bottles with layered sand in it 408 00:17:34,637 --> 00:17:36,471 that's different colors? 409 00:17:36,472 --> 00:17:38,139 That's the same thing except with the words 410 00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:39,266 in a different order. 411 00:17:39,267 --> 00:17:41,017 We're never gonna sell all this stuff 412 00:17:41,018 --> 00:17:42,727 unless we can find a big enough group of suckers 413 00:17:42,728 --> 00:17:44,897 to trick into taking it off our hands. 414 00:17:50,403 --> 00:17:52,320 Welp, we found 'em! 415 00:17:52,321 --> 00:17:54,197 Stewie, rebranding this taffy 416 00:17:54,198 --> 00:17:56,241 as Chew Anon was a stroke of genius. 417 00:17:56,242 --> 00:17:58,243 Yep, and when we told Joe Rogan 418 00:17:58,244 --> 00:17:59,828 it cured COVID, we were off. 419 00:17:59,829 --> 00:18:03,249 God bless our stupid, stupid country. 420 00:18:14,969 --> 00:18:17,178 Hello, Dottie. 421 00:18:17,179 --> 00:18:19,806 Lois? What are you doing here? 422 00:18:19,807 --> 00:18:21,975 Well, I brought your dinner. 423 00:18:21,976 --> 00:18:24,769 And... delivery complete. 424 00:18:24,770 --> 00:18:26,688 Oh, well, would you look at that. 425 00:18:26,689 --> 00:18:28,648 It looks like it's my turn to give someone a review. 426 00:18:28,649 --> 00:18:29,983 What? 427 00:18:29,984 --> 00:18:32,110 After every delivery, drivers get to rate 428 00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:34,446 their experience with the customer. 429 00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:36,156 Wouldn't it be a shame 430 00:18:36,157 --> 00:18:38,325 if one of only two DoorDash drivers 431 00:18:38,326 --> 00:18:41,412 on the island gave you a poor review? 432 00:18:42,913 --> 00:18:45,957 Well, they might ban you from the app, Dottie. 433 00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:48,209 You might actually have to leave the house 434 00:18:48,210 --> 00:18:50,546 for food during the winter season. 435 00:18:53,299 --> 00:18:55,008 Okay, what do you want, money? 436 00:18:55,009 --> 00:18:56,301 No, no, no, no, no. 437 00:18:56,302 --> 00:18:58,261 Here's what's gonna happen, Dottie. 438 00:18:58,262 --> 00:19:00,055 You're gonna take out your phone, 439 00:19:00,056 --> 00:19:01,681 open up Airbnb, 440 00:19:01,682 --> 00:19:03,767 then change that review. 441 00:19:03,768 --> 00:19:05,226 Okay. 442 00:19:05,227 --> 00:19:07,312 Type the following: "Would." 443 00:19:07,313 --> 00:19:09,356 - Would... - "Host." 444 00:19:09,357 --> 00:19:11,483 - Host. - "Again." 445 00:19:11,484 --> 00:19:13,485 - Again. - Send. 446 00:19:13,486 --> 00:19:15,111 So that's it? 447 00:19:15,112 --> 00:19:16,446 - This is over? - That's it. 448 00:19:16,447 --> 00:19:18,615 This is over. 449 00:19:18,616 --> 00:19:21,117 You know what, Dottie? 450 00:19:21,118 --> 00:19:22,661 I did steal that shampoo. 451 00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:23,912 You did? 452 00:19:23,913 --> 00:19:25,330 You're damn right I did! 453 00:19:25,331 --> 00:19:27,332 I was always gonna steal that shampoo. 454 00:19:27,333 --> 00:19:28,750 And do you know why? 455 00:19:28,751 --> 00:19:30,418 Because when I stood in your shower 456 00:19:30,419 --> 00:19:32,837 and rubbed that peach orchard-scented bottle 457 00:19:32,838 --> 00:19:36,049 of bliss into my hair, I felt like somebody else. 458 00:19:36,050 --> 00:19:38,009 I felt like somebody who mattered. 459 00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:39,678 Somebody who had enough disposable cash 460 00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:42,347 that she could buy a scented shampoo. 461 00:19:42,348 --> 00:19:44,516 That's what Airbnbs do, Dottie. 462 00:19:44,517 --> 00:19:47,686 They make you feel like you're living a fairy tale life. 463 00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:50,063 And I wanted that feeling to last. 464 00:19:50,064 --> 00:19:51,648 And it did! 465 00:19:51,649 --> 00:19:54,025 Also, I opened your locked closet 466 00:19:54,026 --> 00:19:56,194 and put on your wedding dress. I ate yogurt in it. 467 00:19:56,195 --> 00:19:57,946 Oh, my God. 468 00:19:57,947 --> 00:19:59,364 Yeah, oh, my God. 469 00:19:59,365 --> 00:20:01,533 Because that's what Lois Griffin does. 470 00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:04,619 Really, I should be thanking you for reminding me of who I am: 471 00:20:04,620 --> 00:20:07,747 a secret little psycho with very little to lose. 472 00:20:07,748 --> 00:20:09,249 And there's a million of us out there, 473 00:20:09,250 --> 00:20:11,710 and you're just welcoming us all into your homes. 474 00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:13,712 So if you ever think of giving someone 475 00:20:13,713 --> 00:20:16,215 a bad review again, remember this. 476 00:20:17,299 --> 00:20:20,052 We know where you live. 477 00:20:21,595 --> 00:20:23,555 Airbnb. What are you doing?! 478 00:20:23,556 --> 00:20:25,516 It's your house! 479 00:20:33,607 --> 00:20:36,234 - Well, it all worked out. - What? 480 00:20:36,235 --> 00:20:38,236 Oh, I said it all worked out. 481 00:20:38,237 --> 00:20:40,238 I got my reputation back on Airbnb, 482 00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:42,073 and Dottie got her comeuppance. 483 00:20:42,074 --> 00:20:45,160 I don't know what you're talking about, and I don't care. 484 00:20:45,161 --> 00:20:47,120 Oh. I just thought we could share 485 00:20:47,121 --> 00:20:49,164 some conversation to pass the time. 486 00:20:49,165 --> 00:20:51,791 You're the lady who yelled at me in the coffee shop. 487 00:20:51,792 --> 00:20:54,795 You think I give a crap about anything you have to say? 488 00:20:55,921 --> 00:20:58,381 Kind of thought you'd have a helicopter, James Taylor. 489 00:20:58,382 --> 00:21:00,968 Carly got it in the divorce.